Last night Weston said to me, "You are changed ~ you are different." ~ and that is something I know ~ right now I am extremely bitter. I am angry. I want to lash out at people and make them hurt just as badly as I am hurting....especially the ones that say stupid, insensitive, thoughtless things ~ for example:
***I have no clue what you are going through and I hope I never go through that......ummmm OK ~ how in hades is that comforting to ANYone? Especially someone who would chose death over an experience like this?
***I'm sorry you are going through this, I feel so blessed/fortunate to have had perfect/normal/healthy pregnancies....well good for you ~ the "cursed/unforunate one" (which would be me ~ obviously since I was not "blessed or fortunate") would like to smack you into the next century because you are an idiot.
I could go on and on, but you get the point. If you ever feel the need to utter these words, please for the love of pete stop yourself! Do NOT open your mouth ~ do not collect $200 ~ go directly to jail.
Bird has been sick today, and in a way that has been comforting to me. He is such a wiggly, full of life little guy that he seldom stops for long. Today he wanted cuddles and snuggles...and lots of them. I was so happy to just be able to sit in his room and rock him to sleep for his nap and also for bedtime. I need that ~ I feel so empty and hollow right now, so being able to just hold and rock him was such a comfort ~ it is nice to feel needed when you feel like a worthless failure.
I KNOW I have three children ~ and I am extremely thankful for them. If I didn't have them I don't think I would have survived this long ~ they have literally been my lifeline, my reason for getting up every morning. But just because I have these three little guys does not lessen the pain of losing one ~ if anything it intensifies it because I know just how much I am losing, what I am going to be missing and I will see children for the rest of my life that should've been my child's classmates or playmates.
To lose a parent is to lose a piece of history, to lose a friend is to lose a piece of the present, to lose a baby is to lose a piece of the future.
And also a piece of my heart ~ I will never be whole again.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
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Mmmm, I received the same comments after mine. Or, the two I hated the absolute most:
*"God just wanted another angel in Heaven." Not really the kind of thing that makes you think well of a God you're already struggling to talk to.
*"Well, it's probably for the best. The baby might have been diseased/horribly deformed/etc." I just wanted to yell - "You idiot! I'll take my sick baby over no baby."
The only ones who understood were the ones who said nothing at all or the ones who could comfort me with their own experiences. My sis-in-law was 3 weeks behind me in her pregnancy and it put a strain between us for sure. There was the tearing apart in me of loving my future niece/nephew and wanting to hate Deidra because I was insanely hurt and jealous.
Although I think that in one way people who miscarry after already having kids have an advantage because they KNOW they can have kids and they do have a reason to get up in the morning, at the same time you are the ones to get the comment about "Well, at least you know you can have kids."
Sometimes you just want to carry around duct tape and put it over the mouths of other people.
And I don't know if I sounded insensitive when I sent you the message to listen to the Focus on the Family broadcast of that one woman; I just know that I was sitting on the floor of the kitchen sobbing because it was like a small salve for a wound that re-opens every September 16 for me.
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